I suck. I tried to plan what I thought would be the perfect wedding.

Oh- yeah, Dylan and I are getting married. After he dumped me because of the baby thing- look cna we do the back story part later? Okay! Let Lissa be helpful!

Anways, we're getting married. And in a week I had tried my best to find the things that I though he would love to have. The things that I though would make him have the most magical wedding. And yes there were some far fetched ideas too. Like that one dress. I mean, I now understand that Cresta was just looking out for me by pointing out that sand in that thing would be wicked uncomfortable. And I really appericate that she would look out like that for me! I do! But I also got the hidden meaning. She doesn't want me to push Dylan into anything really fancy. Dylan-fancy. cha'right!

He is Mr Laid Back! Mr flip flops and board shorts! How could I forget the grumbling he did during Eric's wedding, the fittings and the actual day. He couldn't want to get that tux off. Then agian, neither could I. But like I was saying, he hated it! So how could I dare be so selfish as to want that again? Okay I don't want him in a tux- I don't. That's not us. But even slightly dressy is asking him to give to much~ this is NOT my wedding. It's OUR wedding. How could I be so uncaring and insensative to his feelings! So- I ripped the dress pages out of the binder and threw away the few ideas I had had for him and the boys. I spent another few hours scouring the net for new ideas and thought I came across with some great ones!

But when I show him, he seems mad. More than mad, he seems disappoionted in me. It seems that I had some good ideas, but he really wasn't thrilled on the whole.There were somethings that I didn't catch but I know I distinctly heard "cheap" and "trashy". I'm an embarsassment. So, Dylan wanted to take over the planning. And I know why.

Because Dylan was begingin to see mejust like everyone else did. Emmie the emotional hurricane. Emmie the screw up. Emmie the embarassment. That's what it came down to it, right? He was afraid that I would plan some embarassing, tacky wedding that he would be horrified to be apart of. He was afraid that people would look at us as if we were trashy or poor or something. And he was afraid that it would suck if I planned it. Oh, I believe him when he said that he wanted to plan it because I was the one to ask and I had managed to side step all his romantic plans. But it was funny that he didn't really talk about planning it til after I had showed him some of her ideas.

Which leads me to the conclusion that I was horrible and flawed and stupid and lame and embrassing and too much and a handful. When  had Dylan switched sides. I know he loves me, deeply, you can't just fake that. But when had I gotten to be too much, so much that he had started to think like Lissa, like Jamie and Benji.

Like Momma.

And now I have a descsion. Now I have to worry about his future a little. Yes I know the choice to ruin his entire happiness is his to make. And I know that this is one of those things that I will have to talk to him about before it turns into a fight.

But-

What was more selfish? Cancelling the wedding now before Dylan fully realized what he had gotten himself into by agreeing to marry me and therefore saving myself the pain and worry of what could be a few years?

Or letting him marry me only to ruin his life later- because I want him so deserpately~